One foot in front of the other
Friday, February 19, 2010 - 01:30 p.m.
This weekend, I am going back home to Hendersonville. I'll take beautiful pictures of my family, eat comforting food, cry on my mother's shoulder a little (maybe a lot), watch my son play with his grandparents, and be thankful for all the good things in my life. There are a lot of those.
Next week will be bad, but the next one will be better, and the one after that, and the one after that.
Yesterday we went in for a routine OB appointment, to check up on this 13-week pregnancy. Two ultrasounds later, it was official. There was no heartbeat. Our baby died a few days ago.
(Not again. Not again. Not again.)
This time, I asked for a copy of the sonogram. I don't know if I'll keep it, but I wanted a picture, just in case.
(This isn't happening.)
It's the same as last time. I FEEL normal - I'm still nauseous, still hungry, still tired, still sore. Only this time, you can also see the faint expansion of my belly. There's a curve there, just beginning. I went looking for my box of maternity clothes this past weekend, because I've already had to wear my pants unbuttoned. I thought it was a good sign that I was starting to show. It made me think we'd made it over the hurdle.
(We saw her, back in January. We saw the heartbeat. I was so relieved, so thankful.)
The doctor wants to run several blood tests to screen for a possible cause. He says it's a little unusual to have a healthy, normal pregnancy, then have two miscarriages, especially at 10 and 13 weeks. He promised us he'd do what he could to figure it out, if it's possible. If there's an even an answer. The D&C is set for next Wednesday.
(Does it really matter why? If there is something wrong, or if they can't find anything, if it really was just another fluke, another stroke of bad luck...does it matter?)
It is so much harder this time.
In June, I was comforted by the idea that the miscarriage was a blip on the radar, a small hiccup, nothing more. I thought we'd go on to have healthy happy children, and I would remember it as one small moment of sorrow in all the joy.
(I thought we were there.)
Now...now I can't reach for that comfort. I just can't. You can't tell me it probably won't happen, because it HAS. Two deaths in one year, two babies and two futures I've had to let go, two times I've visited this dark place. All I see, all I know, is this sadness, this second loss. I have no faith left.
The wrong way
Saturday, February 13, 2010 - 10:09 a.m.
Yesterday, a faculty member at my alma mater open fire on her fellow faculty and staff members during a meeting. She killed three people, and two more are in critical condition. They were all members of the Biology department, and not anyone I knew or ever had classes with, but I, like so many other alumni, am completely shocked that such a thing could happen at MY school.
I heard about it from a student ten minutes after it happened. One of my coworkers has family on the SWAT team, and he started passing information back to my office. All of us UAH graduates were huddled together around a computer, listening to the scattered reports coming in from the local news, students calling friends, and my coworker's family. Students dead, no it was staff; ten, no six, no twenty; the shooter's caught, no the shooter's on the run. No one knew who was hurt, and we all have friends, family, or former professors we care about on campus. It was...horrible.
Information is still trickling out, but as the story develops, I find myself absolutely disgusted at the things people are saying today. Bishop was a weird nerd, everyone knows they're the ones who lose it. She's an atheist, and all atheists are killers deep down because they don't have Jesus. This is why everyone should carry guns. It's horrible - the groups that have popped up on Facebook, the comments left on online articles, the conversations I've personally overheard. Even though Dr. Bishop is clearly a murderer, we still don't know what happened or why. It's beyond wrong to blame Harvard (seriously! they are!), or atheists, or Obama, or Prozac, or a lack of armed faculty for what happened yesterday. It's sick, it's disrespectful, and it's disgusting.
I feel for everyone involved....even Dr. Bishop and her family. No one who was there and none of the familes who have suffered at her hands will ever be the same, and that's a terrible thing. But I can't help but think that despite what she's inflicted on so many people, it's not right for her family to suffer what people are speculating and saying about her. There's already enough pain in all of this - there's no need to add more with thoughtless, cruel, and possibly innaccurate comments. There's a right way and wrong way to show support for the victims, and too many people are choosing the latter.
Entering Survival Mode
Thursday, February 11, 2010 - 10:32 a.m.
This week has been STUPID busy. I haven't even had time to study for the PE, and hello that's kind of important, what with the only two months left and all. I'm feeling harried, stressed, and somewhat pukey again. Oh, morning sickness, why won't you just die? (EDITOR'S NOTE: Fucking terrible choice of words, people.)
Anyway, that's why every post from here until May will consist solely of baby pictures. Because that's totally cool, right? RIGHT?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 - 12:52 p.m.
Todd and I swore that after we moved, when we no longer had a million projects hanging over our heads, we'd invite my sister and her family over more. We've stuck to that, and Micah has been thrilled by getting to see his cousin Daniel more often. He really isn't interested in babies, though, so Alex is largely ignored. Unless, of course, I'm holding the baby, in which case Micah is very interested.
Anyway, last Sunday, while Daniel and Micah ran around like crazy little people, Alex had to suffer through having his picture taken. He was a good sport about it, and we ended up with several cute photos.